(This is a story written by a fan of the Andy Griffith
Show in 1999. It is intended as enjoyment for other fans of the
show, who know the characters so well, they can imagine seeing
it as they read .)
The show opens to a strange sight
SNOW on the streets of
Mayberry. Background Christmas music and sleigh bells sets a festive
tone. Cars can be seen driving slowly on the snow-covered street.
A child being pulled on a sled is visible on the sidewalk. Pedestrians
are bundled up in winter clothes and one shopkeeper is shoveling
A small crowd has gathered just outside the courthouse. They are
peering upward as Gomer and Goober are working to secure a string
of Christmas lights above the street. Goober is in long coveralls
and his beanie with earmuffs over it. He is hanging over the edge
of the roof.
Gomer has on a USMC jacket and a furry hat with earflaps that
snap under his chin. He is standing high on a ladder.
Pop!. Pop! Pop!..three light bulbs crash to the ground.
Gomer: Oops, sorry folks.Goober didn't mean to do that
Goober: (angry, sarcastically) Goober didn't mean to do
that! What do you mean, Goober didn't mean to do that!
Gomer: I was just aplogizin for ya.
Goober: You don't need to apologize for me, 'cause I didn't
drop Nuthin. You was suppose to hold those while I
Gomer: Oh, so I'm just the holder (sarcastically) What
does that make you the light bulb sar-gint
As Goober turns quickly in anger to respond, two more bulbs crash
to the ground. Andy walks up looking up, toward the two and smiling.
Andy: You boys having trouble workin' together up there
Floyd: (laughing) How many garage men does it take to screw
in alight bulb, Andy
Andy: Maybe three, because SOMEBODY needs to clean up this
mess of glass before it freezes in the snow.
Goober: I thought the Marines was supposed to teach a fella
how to work with others not criticize your kin.
Andy: That's enough boys. Why don't you come down and take
a break. Let's go get some coffee. I'm buyin. I'll go in and see
if Barney wants to go
Barney is in front on Cell number 1 arguing with Otis.
Barney: I did it last year, and everyone thought I did
fine. I've been practicing my Ho Ho Ho and everything. It is my
job until I decide to give it up and when and if I decide to give
it up, I will not give it to a town dr
Otis: (Interrupting) You don't look anything like Saint
Nicker. nothing link Naint Sickola. Not a bit like Santa. And
besides, Mr. Masters said I fill the suit the best!
Barney: Oh you'd be good! Explain that to the kids. A Santa
that can't talk without slurring his words, whose breath smells
like a brewery.
Otis: I represent that statement. Of course I'll be slober
in time for the Christmas Eve party. And who's ever heard of a
skinny Santa I have the right profile, and I'm prefect for the
Barney: Yeah, you got the profile alright, but that's nuthin
a few feather pillows can't correct. Just because a fella's a
bit lean, that don't mean he can't be jolly!
Otis: A bit lean!!! You're a beanpole!
Barney: And You're a drubby chunk ! I mean a chunky drub!
(shakes head) A Chubby Drunk!
Otis: ( taunting song-like) Bar-ney's a beanpole, Bar-ney's
a Beanpole, Barney's a beanpole, Barney's..
Barney's face gets red, his eyes bug out and he's about to lash
out when Andy interrupts.
Andy: Barney! Lets-uh simmer down. I'm taking the Pyle
boys to coffee at the Diner. Wanna go along (smiling) You're already
steamed up, I see.
Barney stomps to the back room to grab his coat, looking down
and mumbling just loud enough to be heard.
Barney: Work all year on Santa Claus and now they want
to replace ya with the town drunk. That's gratitude for ya! Maybe
I should'a spent my time practicing to be Mr. Scarecrow or the
Tinfoil man in that there wizard show.
Andy: Well, he does have the Santa profile . Why don't
you wait and see if he's sober. If he is, he gets the part. If
he's lit up (smiling) he can be your red-nosed reindeer!
Barney follows Andy out the door. Otis can still be heard in the
distance (Barney;s a beanpole, Barney's a beanpole..)
Barney: Oh, your real funny Andy. Why don't you get one
of those handshake buzzers and go over to the bank and zap Asa
with it while he's sleepin and watch 'em jump.
Andy: So how long is your Leave, Gomer: Do you have
to go back to Camp Henderson before New Year's
Gomer: No, I got two weeks but (looking dejected) I may
go back sooner if I can't find a friendlier place to stay.
Goober: Well that's just great! I give you the couch out
by the TV, and my heaviest blanket and yer still cranky!
Barney: You think that's gratitude, I was Santa Claus last
year and planned on doing it again this year but do YOU know who
John Masters asked Otis Campbell! Just because he fits the jolly
Just then Aunt Bee walks in and comes directly to Andy's table
obviously upset as she rips off her scarf and gloves.
Aunt Bee: Andy! You remember we talked about having ham
this year for the Christmas party, and how I order 3 hams from
Andy: Yes, I remember you talkin about that.
Aunt Bee: Well! Clara Edward says she didn't hear of any
meat plans so she ordered 3 turkeys for the party and she's already
got them thawed out! She was supposed to bring potatoes, not the
meat. I've got the meat and it's THREE HAMS!
Andy: Wow, that sounds like a problem.
Aunt Bee: Well it wouldn't be a problem if Clara Edwards
would stop thinking she is Queen of Christmas Dinner and not checking
with me about the meat.! We already decided. It's THREE HAMS!
Barney: Yeah, and John Masters never checked with me about
Santa Claus. He never has like me ever since I sang in that Chorale!
He still thinks I obtrude on good performers!
Andy: Now, Now, Now. Everybody is getting as would up as
tight as a wet fiddle's highest string. I thought this was supposed
to be the season of joy, A time for Love and Giving. A time to
Care for others. From what I've heard so far today, most of you
would Love to Give somebody a black eye..and you wouldn't Care
who else was effected. Lets all take a deep breath and put things
in perspective. It's two days till Christmas. Tomorrow is Christmas
Eve, and we're gonna have a little party at the Armory with a
few friends. We've got enough food, and well surely have a Santa
Claus. What could be so bad
All nod in half-hearted agreement, but still appear to be seething
John Masters, Rafe Hollister and two ladies are dressed as old
fashioned Carolers. Rafe has a tall stovepipe hat and a green
vest over his overalls. John has a similar hat and a long scarf
over a dapper suit. The ladies are dressed in long dresses with
ruffled blouses and muffs for their hands. They sing a chorus
in four-part harmony.
Andy applauds. He hands them the kettle to collect money on the
street that they had come to pick up..
Andy: Ben Weaver said you could sing out in front of his
place. It's probably the busiest spot in town today unless Gomer
and Goober start dropping lights again. (they all chuckle)
Just as the carolers head for the door Barney walks in.
Barney: Well if it ain't John Masters the head Santa picker.
John: Barney, I've been meaning to talk to you.
Barney sticks his thumbs in his belt and leans back.
Barney: Well It's a lit-tle late for that Mr. Masters.
I've already heard from your first choice St. Nick. I hope you
don't mind a little red-eye ta go with your red suit!
John: I'm sorry about the timing Barney, but I do have
something in mind for you to make the best use of your talents.
I'll be back to talk to you in a few hours.
Barney: Well I may be here, and then again I may not. You
can't toy with us high-strung performers ya-know. We got feelings
The carolers leave and Barney walks over and plops in his chair.
He looks at Andy who is already reading something.
Barney: You know what John Masters is?
Andy: A Santa-picker
Barney: An Ego-menerac! Thinks he can just boss all us
performers around. Who made him Director anyway
Andy: City Council, I think.
Barney: Well that doesn't mean he can toy with a high-strung
performer's emotions. Ego-meneracs are all alike!
Andy: Santa Pickers?
The door burst open and a woman rushes in crying. It's Ellie Walker.
Ellie: Andy, they need help! A semi trailer skidded off
Turner's grade. The truck rolled , caused a minor avalanche, and
fell into the trailer park in Kelsey's Valley. One trailer flipped
on top of another and then the truck. They're half covered in
snow! Power lines are down and people are trapped inside. They
Andy and Barney spring into action.
Andy: I'll get on the radio and call the County Rescue
Squad. Barney, you go sound the alarm and see how many of the
Civil Defense boys you can round up. Ellie, Can you man the phone
here a little while and call the hospital in Mt Pilot (Ellie nods)
Tell them we got trouble, and stay near the radio, OK.
As Andy and Barney pull up, the scene looks grim. A fire truck
is already there with lights flashing. The semi trailer and the
two house trailers are piled up like toys with all but a corner
of the bottom trailer buried in snow. Goober and Gomer pull up
in a tow truck that is dwarfed by semi's size. Volunteers begin
to show up in cars. Barney pulls out the bullhorn as Andy scurries
down the hill to aid the victims
Barney: Now is the time for all good men to come to the
aid of your neighbors. Please bring all shovels, ropes, crowbars
or medical equipment you may have in your possession. If you own
a tractor or any heavy equipment, please go get it and bring it
Andy is able to talk through a small hole to the Corbin family
who is trapped in the bottom house trailer and through a window
to a lady in the top trailer.
Andy: Were gonna get you out somehow, Just hang tight now.
He turns to look up the hill and calls to Barney.
Andy: Barney , Have Gomer and Goober rope off that power
pole. That line may be live. Have Ellie call Charlie Phelps at
the Power Company. Call the sheriffs in Davis and Jefferson counties
and see if they've got any equipment they can send us and hurry,
were running outa daylight.
The State Police and County Rescue Squad are successful at extracting
the semi driver who is virtually unhurt. The large man (played
by TAGS vet Allen Melvin) is in tears with remorse. Barney walks
up to the crowd around the man.
Barney: Name please, and lets have your license and registration.
Truck Driver: I'm sorry officer. The names Green. Everett
Green. I was only doing 40 coming up Turner's grade there. I hit
a slick spot and it jack-knifed on me.
Barney: Just have a seat in the squad car there, in the
Mr. Green: Could I help with the rescue Deputy I really
feel awful about what happened there
A State Policeman nods to Barney as he ponders.
Barney: OK, but stay where I can see you. If you run away,
I'll slap the cuffs on you. You're being held for irrigation.
Darkness is setting in quickly. Blowing snow makes visibility
very poor. The semi trailer has been removed and now the rescuers
use two tractors to try to pull one house trailer off the other.
Andy talks to those around.
Andy: Hold up for a minute. We need to pull er south, but
it's too dangerous to put a tractor on that hillside. It may roll.
How can we get her moved about 30 feet that way
The crowd pauses to ponder a moment. A faint noise can be heard
coming up the road. From a distance it sounds like a cowbell and
a deep male voice can be heard also. A bright light glares in
the snow as the sound gets closer. Andy moves up the hill beside
Barney: It is Otis on a cow again
Andy: Sounds like it but it's a team of oxen! Two strong
oxen! and Briscoe Darling! And the rest of the Darlings.
As the entourage nears, it becomes clear that Briscoe is riding
on the hood of the Darling truck. Rodney is driving with his head
hung out the window looking ahead. Charlene is hanging out the
other side peering into the blowing snow ahead also. The truck
headlights illuminate the sturdy animals lumbering ahead. Briscoe
is holding the reins of the oxen team driving them forward. His
deep voice bellows commands to the ox team as it turns into the
valley and heads for the trailer. While Andy and the gang stare
in amazement, the Darling boys have the house trailer chained
and hitched to the ox team. With one loud Hyah!!! from Briscoe,
the team pulls the large trailer as directed and the door of the
bottom trailer is cleared. After a big cheer, rescuers rush up
and escort the Corbin family of 7 from crumpled home.
Andy grabs Briscoe's hand with a grateful handshake.
Andy: Thank You Mr. Darling! The county thanks you and
your family so much.
Briscoe: Tweren't nothing any mountain man wouldn't do
for his neighbor. It's the code of the hills.
Andy: And the boys.. I've never seen them work so hard!
Briscoe: Most people ain't never seen em work, period.
But theyknow the code of the hills. They can be a he-man crew
when they need to.
Andy: What is this Code of the Hills You're referring to
Charlene: Drink your squeezings eat your grub At least
once a month, get in the tub. Play music and sing whenever you
can But chuck it all for your fellow man:
Andy: Well that's right nice.
Barney walks up to the crowd that has gathered around patting
the Darlings on the back.
Barney: Thanks Everyone . You may now return to your homes
or places of business. Have a nice Holiday.
State Policeman: Hold on there Deputy. The state road out
of here is now snowed shut. Power wont be restored in these parts
for at least 24 hours.
Andy: We still got power over at the National Guard Armory
Civil Defense Guy: Yes, we do. It's already been designated
as the Mayberry Emergency Shelter. It's being set up with cots,
tables, food, the whole works.
Andy: sounds like were gonna have a bigger Christmas Party
than we thought. Everybody come on over.. The more the merrier!
This is a new set created by the author. This large building includes
a huge fireplace on one end, several tables set up for a meal,
and cots lines up along the other end, and a huge kitchen with
a serving window into the main room. In the kitchen Aunt Bee,
Clara, and other ladies are putting the final touches on a huge
meal of potatoes, corn, bread, turkey, cider, coffee, various
pies, and of course three hams. There is a box truck parked out
back. Inside Goober, Ellie, and Gomer are helping Ben Weaver sort
and wrap toys that he has donated for the party.
Ellie: Ben, this is sure nice of you.
Ben: What good's a fella's money if he can't share it with
his friends After last year, I changed my ways. You folks showed
me what Christmas is all about, and I'm bound to be a Giver the
rest of my days
Goober: OK, that's the last one I think. Let's stuff em
in the bag for Santy-Claus (Goober grins)
Gomer: Shazam, I think Santy is gonna have to have about
Ben: That's alright. He can bring em in one at a time.
In the Kitchen
Aunt Bee: Clara, I'm so glad we have Turkey AND Ham. We'd
have never been able to feed all these people.
Clara: Well, thanks to you Bee, we have all the side dishes
and deserts that you planned. It all worked out nicely.
In one corner of the big room while some are beginning to eat,
the Darlings and others have their instruments out (yes they even
keep them in the truck when it's snowing) County music fills the
room with such country Christmas Songs as Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer and Dooley Had the Christmas Spirit but he Didn't
Know When to Quit.
In a different corner, children bring their plates and sit on
the floor at the feet of Gomer as he reads the Christmas Story.
Goober is with him.
Gomer: And they follered their family to Beth-LE-Ham to
be Taxed But ever where they went, there was no place for them
to sleep Because every place was full , Shazam!
Gomer: Then they went to another E-nn. Jofuss begged the
innkeeper for a place to sleep because his wife Mary was ..with
child. (whispers) I think that means she was in the motherly way.
Gomer: The innkeeper said that they could stay in his stable,
with the animals (golll-lee)
Goober starts making animal sounds for sound effects
Goober: Mooooo, Oink Oink Oink, Ee-aw Ee-aw Baaah Bahhhhh
Gomer: Dog-gone how you do that! Yer gonna hafta show me
In front of the huge fireplace, people begin to gather around
as they finish eating. The rumor is that a special visitor is
coming. The Corbin family that had been trapped in the house trailer
offer desert and a drink to Everett Green. The truck driver is
overcome with gratitude and begins hugging them. Old and young,
town folks and hill dwellers all intermingle in a festive community
celebration. Andy feels a tug on his pant leg. It's Opie. Andy
had been so busy caring for his community, He forgot that he hadn't
spent any time with his son so far that evening.
Opie: Hey Paw, you've been awful busy. Did you have any
of Aunt Bee's apple pie yet
Andy: Well I sure haven't. Can I have a bite of yours Where
have you been young man (he picks up Opie to holds him)
Opie: I was back in the kitchen helpin Aunt Bee set out
the pie plates and cider glasses, and I got to lick the extra
fillin off the empty pie tins.
Andy: Well, you've been a big help then. Your Aunt Bee
hates to waste good pie filling.
Opie: It's Christmas Eve night Paw. Are we not gonna get
to read our Christmas stories and put out cookies and milk for
Andy: Well Opie, I miss that because we do that every year,
but you know what Tonight is gonna be a Christmas Eve that we
will never forget. See, part of Christmas is about caring and
giving to others.
Opie: Just Like God gave us Baby Jesus
Andy: That's right son. You are sooo right and today there
was a big accident and lots of people could have gotten hurt,
or been left out in the cold, but everybody has just pulled together
to help one another out. It's like the whole county is one big
happy family. Sometimes it takes a little crisis to make folks
put aside the squabbles and work together.
The sound of a spoon pinging a glass quiets the crowd as Floyd
stands up on the fireplace to speak.
Floyd: Now I asked you all to come here tonight so I uh
(he laughs at himself and the crowd chuckles also). Well, we didn't
plan this big of a crowd but things just happened and here we
are. I just talked with the State Police and they said Highway
6 is still closed but a red sleigh was seen in the area. (a few
gasps are heard through out the room.)
Everyone has joined the semi circle around the fireplace and a
murmur arises when the sound of bells are heard. From the behind
the crowd a voice is heard.
Santa: HO HO HO! Says the pudgy red-suited Santa (Otis) Claus
HO HO HO he yells again, as if in anticipation. (Santa clears
throat) I said HO HO HO!
Just then springing in from the back is a tall green-suited elf
in the unmistakable profile and face of Barney Fife.
Elf Barney: Merry Christmas!!! shouts Elf Barney as the
crowd roars with laughter.
As the duo continue their exchange of Ho Ho Ho's and Merry Christmas's,
Santa begins handing out gifts as Barney Elf hops around in his
green tights, Red and green jacket, green curly-toed shoes, and
green and white pointed hat, passing out candy and trinkets.
The crowd begins to settle as Santa-Otis and Elf Barney disappear
and the gifts have all been unwrapped. The sound of guitar chords
quiet the crowd and the velvet-like voice of Ellie Walker fills
the large room with warmth as she sings
Ellie: Silent Night, holy night
(the camera pans faces all around the room. Two of the Corbin
children sit on Everett Green's lap, Ben Weaver smiles broadly,
Aunt Bee and Clara embrace John Masters, Rafe and the lady carolers
hum in unison)
Ellie: All is calm, all is bright
(Goober and Gomer grin at each other, Floyd sits in front of a
crowd of familiar faces and new friends)
Ellie: Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
(The Darling family sits together and listens reverently. Otis
and Barney step up behind them in street clothes)
Ellie: Holy Infant so tender and mild
Andy is playing the guitar with Opie at his side holding on to
Ellie: 'sleep in Heavenly pe-eace (now voices of others
can be heard joining in)
Ellie: 'sle-eep in Heavenly peace.
Camera pans out showing the whole crowd in one shot. The familiar Fishing Hole whistling theme song signals the ending