Lost Episode
The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

By David Kerley


(Andy and Barney are in the courthouse. Andy is catching up on paperwork at his desk, and Barney is signing Valentine cards for Thelma Lou and for Juanita.)

Barney: (singing as softly as he can sing, with his talented uvula) Juanita, Juanita ....

Andy: Barn, do ya really think ya oughta be sendin' Juanita a Valentine card again this year? See, since you and Thelma Lou been goin' steady for so long, I just don't think it's such a good idea.

Barney: That's what you don't understand about women, Ange. You see, women need to be courted. They need to feel loved. They need to hear sweet nothin's whispered in their ears. They need to drive up to the duck pond durin' a full moon .... and not to watch the ducks if ya know what I mean!

Andy: I agree, I agree. But ya say and do those things with ONE woman, not TWO! Thelma Lou might get wind of it and you'd just be gettin' yourself in WAY yonder too much trouble.

Barney: (shaking his head) Oh, Andy you amaze me! You know I got that little girl in my hip pocket!

Andy: Ohhhh! Don't start that again, Barn!

Scene One

(Returning to the prologue scene at the courthouse...... Now Opie has joined Andy and Barney around the desk.)

Opie: Tell me about Valentine's Day, Paw. - about how it all got started.

Andy: Well, Opie, it all started way back a loooong, loong time ago over in Rome, that's in the Old Country, with a man named Saint Valentine. And they was this king by the name of Claudius that ruled over the folks there. But ya see, folks didn't care too much for ol' Claudius and Saint Valentine sure didn't neither! Yeah, Claudius wanted to have this big army, see, so's he'd have the most powerful kingdom around. He thought that all the men should wanna volunteer to join up, but many of 'em just didn't want to fight in wars. See, they didn't want to leave their sweethearts or wives, and families and all. So not many men in those parts signed up for Claudius's army. And OOOHHHH! King Claudius was beside himself! -- Somethin' fierce, let me tell you! That's when he got this crazy idea! He thought that if the men weren't married, then they wouldn't mind joining up with his army, see? So, then, Claudius decided he would just do away with weddings and such as that. And I tell you the truth - the young people there thought this new law was AWFUL mean. WHEWWWW!!! And St. Valentine decided to do somethin' about it! ..... And you know how I said Valentine was a Saint? Well, yeah, he was a preacher in them parts, just as poor as Job's turkey, but a real nice feller, just the same, and one of his most favorite thangs to do was to marry up young folks.

Opie: Just like you do, huh, Paw?

Andy: Right, just like I do as Justice of the Peace sometimes. Anyhow, even after Claudius passed that law, St. Valentine kept on doin' those weddin' ceremonies that he liked to do - BUT he had to keep 'em a secret, right? (with a hushed voice) Now, they'd sneak off and go into this smaaaall room in a deep, dark dungeon, lit up by only one little candle - with just St. Valentine and the new bride and groom down in there. They even had to whisper all the weddin' vows, listenin' the whole time for the footsteps of the soldiers tryin' to catch 'em!

Opie: WOW!!!

Andy: Then one night - one night - St. Valentine and this young couple DID hear footsteps! They had to stop the weddin' RIGHT in the middle of it to save their own lives! Their hearts wuz beatin' so loud, they thought surely the soldiers would hear 'em! They was awful scared! Lucky for them, though, the young couple got away, but St. Valentine got caught. They didn't give him no honest trial or nothin', and Claudius had him thrown in jail and said he wuz to be punished ..... by death! Well, Valentine was a brave man and he tried to be as happy as he could, but it sure was kinda hard in that jail cell, don't ya know it? But then somethin' wonderful happened! Yeah! Many of the young folks came to the jail to visit him. That's right! They would throw flowers and notes by his window. See, they wuz tryin' to tell him that they believed in him and that they believed in love, too, just like St. Valentine did. Well, sir, one of them young folks wuz the daughter of the big prison guard. And her pa said she could visit St. Valentine there at his jail anytime she had a mind to. She wuz the purtiest thang! Sometimes they would sit and talk for hours. She lifted his spirits a bit, ya see. And she and all the other young'uns in that time believed he had done the right thang by carryin' out all those secret marriages, don't ya see? Then, on the day that St. Valentine was to be put to death, that was on February the 14th, St. Valentine left that young girl a little note - thankin' her for her friendship and devotion. And he signed it, "Love .... from your Valentine." And so ya see, that little note started the custom of exchangin' messages of love and friendship every Valentine's Day. And since then, ever' year on February the 14th, people remember about St. Valentine and love and friendship. And when they think about Claudius, why, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love - and they laugh! That's right! They laugh .... 'cause, Opie, they know that love can't be beat!!!

Barney: Oh, what a load of malarkey!

Andy: Naw, Barney, it's true. That's how Valentine's Day really got started.

Barney: All I know is: that Valentine character had to be some kind of a NUT!!!

Scene Two

(Opie is trying to pick out a Valentine card at the drug store, and a clerk walks up to assist him.)

Clerk: Can I help you, Opie?

Opie: Well, I was tryin' to decide on a Valentine. Miss Ellie, when she used to work here, would always help me decide on cards to get for Aunt Bee.

Clerk: Why, I would be happy to help you pick out a card for your aunt.

Opie: Well .... I already got Aunt Bee's card. I made her one out of some construction paper, and I made some lace from some of her old doilies - I didn't use the ones she has out on the furniture. I used the ones she keeps in her hope chest.

Clerk: I see. Bee will really love your card, Opie. I'm certain about that. But, who is this other card for?

Opie: Well, I, uh, have this friend at school .... and she .... I mean.... my friend .... likes flowers and stuff. But I got this problem. I can't decide on spendin' this money for a card for her .... I mean my friend ... or on a ice cream cone.

Clerk: Well, it is February, Opie. Don't you think it's too cold for ice cream?

Opie: Oh, no ma'am, it ain't never too cold for ice cream! It does taste better in the summertime, but it's still mighty good in February, too!

Clerk: Well, I think I have a solution to your problem, Opie. What if I help you pick out a beautiful card, with flowers, for your friend at school .... AND I will give you some ice cream, too?

Opie: That would be swell! Miss Ellie used to do the same thing!

(Opie's pa, Sheriff Taylor, walks in the drug store, looking for his son, and sees him at the card section.)

Andy: Hey there, young feller, what are you up to?

Opie: (slightly embarrassed) Well, I uh, I uh .... I'm just tryin' to pick out a Valentine card for Aunt Bee.

Andy: (surprised) I thought you MADE Aunt Bee a card this year? Oh, and Opie, she said some of her doilies were missing from the closet.

Opie: (correcting Andy) Her hope chest.

Clerk: I'll let you talk with your son in private, Sheriff. (turning to Opie) Opie, I'll come back and help you later, OK? (She leaves the two alone.)

Andy: Yeah, that's right - her hope chest. Do you know anything about that?

Opie: Well, I kinda do. I wanted to make her card real fancy, but I didn't want to use the doilies that she had downstairs to make the lace. So I used the ones that she never uses, Paw.

Andy: Aunt Bee was savin' them doilies for a special occasion, but I reckon she won't mind when she finds out what you wanted with 'em. .... Ope? If ya already made Aunt Bee a Valentine card, what are ya doin' here?

Opie: Well .... Miss Crump said we should all get a Valentine for everyone in our class, and you always said to listen to whatever Miss Crump and Aunt Bee said, right, Paw?

Andy: Right, Opie. That's right. I did say that. But I thought Aunt Bee already got ya a box of little Valentines, and she made cupcakes with them little, hard candies, shaped like hearts, that say "Will Ya Be Mine?" on 'em, for all your little classmates last week.

Opie: We ain't so little any more, Paw .... and she DID do that. It's just that I need to get .... somebody at school a real special card.

Andy: Oh-ohhhh! You mean to tell me you're finally gettin' around to givin' Karen Burgess a Valentine card? I think that's fine, Opie. Mighty fine. You know I always did think she was a special little girl. Why, one day you might be in here buyin' more cards than just Valentine cards for Karen. Yeah! - Why, you might be buyin' "Birthday" cards, "Thinkin' of You" cards, and maybe even "Anniversary" cards. Heh, heh, heh!

Opie: Oh, Paw. It ain't like that exactly. Well, there's this new girl in school. She just came this week ... and I wanted to get her a Valentine.

Andy: (beginning to lose his temper) Well, if that don't beat all! I believe Barney has finally taught you to be some kind of a gigolo!

Opie: A WHAT?

Andy: A gigolo! A "Don Juan".

Opie: Don who? Is he related to Horatio?

Andy: "Don Juan"! And they never was no Horatio around here! Now never mind! Young man, you better put those cards down and get on home right now! And you'll tell Aunt Bee what happened to her doilies, too!!!

Opie: But Paw, that'll spoil the surprise!

Andy: OPIE!

Opie: (with head down, and speaking very softly, realizing that he isn't going to get that ice cream the nice lady promised him) Yes, Paw.

Andy: Now, go on. You just think about that thang, too! (Opie leaves. Andy turns to the clerk that was helping Opie earlier.) I declare I don't know where that boy gets some of his notions! (Barney rushes in and heads over to Andy.) I DO, TOO, know where he gets them notions! Well, if it ain't Mister "Don Juan" himself!

Barney: Don who?

Andy: "Don Juan". A gigolo. A ladies' man. A feller who'd take advantage of women, and make 'em fall in love with him, just to break their hearts!

Barney: Wouldn't ya know his name would be "Don"!

Andy: Naw, Barney, his name don't have to be "Don" - that's just a figure of speech! And I called you that 'cause Opie is actin' the same way! He's sweet on two girls in his class at the same time, and it's all your fault! (joking sarcastically) What do ya think about that, "Don Barney"?

Barney: Oh, you're real funny, aren't ya? Why don't we go over to the old folks home and grease the steps!

Andy: Anyway, what's up? You seemed like ya had somethin' to tell me?

Barney: To tell ya? .... Oh .... yeah! Guess who's dropped into town, unexpected like?

Andy: I don't know, Barney. Who?

Barney: Guess. Go on - guess!

Andy: Well ... (Barney interrupts)

Barney: Ellie Walker! That's right, Ellie Walker!

Andy: Well, I declare, Ellie Walker? Really? I ain't seen her in a loooong time. Why, I oughta .....

(Andy starts to head out the door, and Barney follows him.)

Barney: Andy, ain't ya gonna buy nothing? I only came in because I wanted to tell you about Ellie.

Andy: Naw, Barn, I just needed to talk to Opie about somethin'. I sent him home right before you got here. (Since it's a little chilly outside, Andy and Barney pull up the collars around their dark brown Sheriff's Department jackets.) Wanna walk patrol with me for a while? It bein' a holiday, we might oughta keep an extra eye out. (Barney nods and continues after Andy, and they begin to walk by the shops in downtown Mayberry.)

Barney: (remembering what they were talking about earlier) Speaking of keeping an eye out, I know who you're really looking for! Ange, you can't fool me! You still got feelings for her, don't ya?

Andy: For who? Ellie? Now Barney, it ain't that. She was a special girl. A real special girl! And you know I've had the good fortune of sharin' company with a lotta nice ladies in Mayberry. But you know how I feel about Helen. Things is different now.

Barney: Helen? .... Helen??? I thought I knew about how ya felt about Helen, but now after I seen your eyes light up like bottle rockets on the Fourth of July, well, now I just ain't so sure! I think ya still got a thing for Ellie! And you were calling ME "Don John"!!!

Andy: "Don Juan".

Barney: Whatever! Don't try to fool me, ol' buddy, I know you're still sweet on her, ain't ya?

Andy: Well, Barney, it would be nice to see her again, and I really did like takin' her out. I surely did. We had a lotta good times together .... Maybe I will see her after all.

Barney: But, Ange, maybe that's where your boy gets these ideas about havin' several girlfriends at the same time -- from you!

Andy: From ME?!!! You're the one he gets that from, Barney! And I ain't never quite got him to understand about why ya like to go up to the duck pond so much .... and at night, too!

Scene Three

(Barney and Thelma Lou are sitting on the couch at her home. He has just handed her a card, but she hesitates to read it right away because of their deep conversation ....)

Barney: Baby, it's the truth! I just happened to mention that Ellie Walker came to town, and he went on and on about how much he still liked her and wanted to see her again.

Thelma Lou: Oh, Barney! I just don't think Andy would do that to Helen, especially during Valentine's Day. I think I know how Andy feels about Helen.

Barney: Oh, and how does he feel about Helen? What would you know about Andy's feelings? I'm his best friend!

Thelma Lou: I suppose like you feel about me, right, Barney?

Barney: (uneasy, and without looking directly in her eyes) We've talked about all that before, Thelma Lou.

Thelma Lou: Well, I have tried to talk about it more than you have, but I guess, deep down, I really understand how you feel about me. And I think Andy and Helen have an understanding between them, too .... and I just don't believe Andy would throw away what he and Helen have. Do you?

Barney: (confidently) No, I don't, Sweetheart! And if he was in his right mind, he wouldn't either! That's why he needs a little help from ol' Cupid! (pointing to himself)

Thelma Lou: Oh, Barney, I don't believe .... (opening and reading the Valentine card Barney just gave her minutes before) BARNEY FIFE! WHY IS THIS ENVELOPE ADDRESSED TO ME, BUT THE CARD READS "JUANITA"!!!!!

(Scene fades out with Barney realizing he has gotten the two Valentine cards mixed up!)

Scene Four

(Andy is at the courthouse desk again, and in walks an old friend.)

Ellie: Hi, Andy. Are you busy?

Andy: Well, now, Ellie Walker! I'm never too busy for an old friend! Come on in and sit down. We've got a lotta catchin' up to do. Barney said you wuz in town.

Ellie: Yes, Andy. I'm not here to stay though. I just came in to see my niece. Did you know she was living here now?

Andy: Your niece? Well, no, I didn't.

Ellie: Yes, my sister died recently, and her daughter and husband have come here to live, to be closer to my uncle and his family. Since it's a holiday, I knew it would be difficult for Mary.

Andy: Oh, Ellie, I'm sorry to hear about that. I wished I woulda known about your loss. I'm really sorry.

Ellie: Thank you, Andy. That means a lot to me. Mary has had a tough time since my sister .... (stops suddenly) .... I wish that she could live with my husband and I, but ....

Andy: (surprised) Husband? You don't mean to tell me ....Oooohhhh!

Ellie: (laughing) Yes, I'm not Ellie Walker any more. My last name is Williams now. You didn't know that I was married? (Andy shakes his head "no") And I heard you were serious with someone here. Are you two married yet?

Andy: Well, uh, no, not really, uh ....

Ellie: (laughing again) You don't have to feel awkward around me, Andy Taylor. I understand.

Andy: (smiling) Yeah, I guess ya do. You always were mighty understanding .... most of the time. (Both of the old friends laugh together.) Now, (joking) tell me anything else I ain't heard yet! (They both laugh again.)

Ellie: (wondering) But Andy, didn't Opie tell you that Mary was in his class at school? He did such a nice thing for her........ (Silently to the ears of the audience, she tells Andy what Opie has done for her niece, as Barney passes by the window, outside the courthouse. He gets a glimpse of Ellie and Andy talking inside and obviously jumps to the wrong conclusion. He is shocked and scampers off to save Andy and Helen's relationship.)

Scene Five

(Barney dashes into the drug store and heads to the card section where Opie had been standing earlier. Emma Brand is doing some shopping, and probably waiting for her prescription of sugar pills to be filled, and then she sees Barney.)

Emma: (suspiciously) Well, Mr. Fife, I see you're shopping for cards again.

Barney: Uh, yeah.

Emma: Valentine cards? I thought I saw you buying TWO IDENTICAL cards just the other day. Why would you ever need to buy MORE Valentine cards?

Barney: No ma'am. I'm not getting Valentine cards. I'm needin' "I'm Sorry" cards ... I mean .... a card.

Emma: Why would you need to buy A "I'm Sorry" card? Unless of course you got into trouble over those TWO Valentine cards you bought the other day?

Barney: It's not for me - it's for a friend. ........ Don't you have some place to be? This is police work! (Barney rushes to the counter to pay for the cards - and there are definitely more than one of them.)


Scene Six

(Barney is alone at the courthouse. Andy must be on patrol again, and Opie is coming in from taking out the trash.)

Barney: Say, Ope, you didn't really believe that story your pa told you about Valentine's Day, did ya? You know it's just a story, right?

Opie: Well.....

Barney: Yeah. If ya want to know the real truth, then you came to the right place to find out about love! And there's two reasons why I know all about Valentine's Day, and one is because I'm a lawman.

Opie: Huh???

Barney: That's right, because I'm a lawman. You wanted to know about Valentine's Day, and I'm tryin' to tell ya! They call it Valentine's Day because a whole mob of gangsters got knocked off in Chicago about thirty or forty years ago! Yeah, it was called "The Valentine's Day Masker"! It was called a "masker" 'cause so many of 'em got killed all at one time!

Opie: Named after gangsters, REALLY Barney?

Barney: Yeah, this one mob guy, Al Capone, decided he would rub out every guy in this other gang. Some of his guys wore police uniforms so no one in the neighborhood would get suspicious, and they caught that gang in this warehouse. The others thought it was a raid so they lined up against a wall, and then Capone's gang let 'em have it!

Opie: That's a great story, Barney! .... But I still don't understand why that has anything to do with Valentine's Day.

Barney: I don't know what they're teachin' you kids in school these days! (now a little confused himself) Uh.... uh.... Valentine was the name of the head of that other gang - He was the Don. (contemplating his remark, and even more confused) Say, there's that guy "Don's" name again!

Opie: But why would that make people give flowers and candy and cards to each other, Barney?

Barney: (Barney's mind wanders again and hands a card to Opie, attempting to change the subject.) Speaking of cards, I got you an "I'm Sorry" card to give to Karen Burgess, Opie.

Opie: Why do I need a "I'm Sorry" card for Karen?

Barney: Oh, Opie. This is ol' Barn you're talkin' to! Your pa told me you were sweet on another girl at school. I'm just tryin' to keep ya from making a big mistake about Karen. Your pa and I know how much ya really like her....

Opie: But I'm not sweet on any girl at school.

Barney: You can't fool me, Ope. I know about these things. Now take this card to Karen. I already filled it out for you. (leading Opie through the back room and to the door) I even put an extra verse in it for ya, too. Girls like a lot of romantic poems and sweet talk. Now, take this to her now before it's too late!

Opie: But Barney .... (He never has a chance to finish his sentence because Barney has just pushed him out the back door. Immediately, Andy walks in the front door with today's mail.)

Barney: Don't you have somethin' ya wanna get off your chest, ol' friend?

Andy: What do ya mean?

Barney: You know what I'm talkin' about. I saw ya in here with Ellie. And it's a mistake, Ange. I know it is. But don't you worry none. I've fixed the whole thing!

Andy: What do ya mean you fixed the whole thing? (worried) That never seems to work out, Barney! (disgusted) You beat ever'thang, you know that!

Barney: Now, Andy, I got it all worked out. Not just your problems, but also Opie's.

Andy: Now, Barney, I don't want ya messin' up Opie's love life, too!

Barney: Oh, Ange, both you fellows need a little help from the ol' love Einsteen. I don't mind to help out a friend, you silly thing! It's therapetic!

Andy: But Barney, Opie doesn't have a problem at school with anybody!

Barney: (surprised) But you said he was getting a card for a little girl at school and it wasn't Karen!

Andy: That's right, Barn. But that's what I'm tryin' to tell ya. Ellie came by earlier. She's in town to visit like you said. Her niece and brother-in-law just moved here, and the little girl don't have a ma. Well, I guess since Opie knows how it is to not have a ma, I reckon he thought he would try to cheer her up. That's why he wanted to get her a card. They're just friends, Barney. He's still likes Karen Burgess. (realizing that Barney has done something) What did you do, Barn?!

Barney: Well .... nothing really. I filled out a "I'm Sorry" card for him to give to Karen. And I got one for me to give to Thelma Lou because we had a little misunderstanding ....... (quietly) and while I was at it, I got one for you to give to Helen.

Andy: Barney! I don't need a card to give to Helen. I told ya that ever'thang's fine with me and Helen. And there's nothin' goin' on between me and Ellie neither. She just came by to talk and to thank me for what Opie had done. She's married now and ever'thang!

(Hurt, Barney disappears into the back room to pout. Suddenly, Opie enters the courthouse.)

Andy: Son, I'm sorry I didn't let ya buy that card yesterday. And I heard what ya really meant to do. Opie, I just wanted to tell ya, I'm awful proud of ya, son.

Opie: That's OK, Paw.

Andy: But when did ya have time to go back to the store to get that card?

Opie: No, Paw. I didn't go back to the drug store. I went home to tell Aunt Bee what happened to her doilies, like you said. Then, Aunt Bee helped me cut up some more of her doilies, and we made fancy Valentine cards for Karen AND for Mary!

Andy: Ope, why didn't ya tell me that Mary was Ellie's niece?

Opie: You didn't ask.


Barney: (returning from the back room, needing a little lift to his spirits) Hi, Opie. Did my card patch up things between you and Karen?

Opie: Well, I guess it did. But she did wonder why it had somebody else's name on it. (Both Andy and Barney have a frightened look on their faces and a sick feeling in their stomachs.)

Andy: Barney!!! You've already sent them cards out, ain't ya?!

(The phone rings and both are afraid to answer it. Andy finally picks up the receiver.)

Andy: (hesitantly) Aw, uh, hi Helen! (sensing from her tone that she is a little upset) Is somethin' wrong?

Helen: (talking to Andy on her telephone, on split-screen for the camera's eye) Oh, NO, Andy! I only called to thank you for the sweet card you sent today. You had already given me a Valentine's card, so I simply couldn't understand why you would send me another one so soon. (It is obvious that Helen is becoming angry.) Then, I happened to notice that the card said you were sorry about something. (angrily) Whatever do you have to be sorry about, Andy? Hmmm??? And Andy Taylor, why would MY card have the name "Karen" inside? Who is this "Karen"?!!! (Helen hangs up on Andy.)

Andy: (hooking the phone back on the cradle and staring darkly at his deputy.) That was Helen! She got a card today, supposedly from me, that just happened to have someone else's name on it!

Barney: But Ange, I was tryin' to help.

Andy: Anyway, I guess our romantic dinner at Morelli's tonight is off .... (trying to make a joke) So, I reckon I'll go home and see if Aunt Bee has got any doilies left! (starts to head for the door)

Barney: I'll fix this up, Andy. Really I will. Don't you worry!

Andy: (turning back to face Barney) Oh, I think ya might have some problems of your own - CASANOVA! Think about it - If Karen got a card with another girl's name on it and Helen got a card with Karen's name on it, it just MIGHT be possible that Thelma Lou got a card with .... (just then, the phone rings again and Andy goes over to pick it up.) Yes, Thelma Lou, I'll tell him. Good-bye, Thelma Lou.

Barney: (Andy looks at Barney with a look that says "I told you so" and Barney's hopes are dashed) Well .... there went the duck pond! The ivy-covered cottage! The pitter-patter of little feet! PHFFT!!!